how do you live so happily while i am sad and broken down?

Ugh, so yeah. I've been kind of lonely lately and so I've been hitting up the dating websites more often than usual. I joined match (double ugh, really.) but anyway, now someone has emailed me and it's only just occurred to me that now I'll have to go on a date.

I am really not great at dating.

I mean, once you get to know me, I'm pretty rad. I just suck at first impressions and awkward conversations. And I start to worry that I don't look like my online pictures anymore and what if he's disappointed? Rejection sucks.

And yeah, this is what happens when a guy asks to meet up for a coffee and a chat about gun control, because I "seem political, and he'd like to hear my views."

 Statistically speaking, I go on about one date a year.

So that's 2012 done. 

Ok, so here's my latest online dating pet peeve:

Misspelled usernames.

Everyone makes spelling mistakes at some point, I get it, really I do. But if you can't take the time to be sure you've got your username, the thing that identifies you most, spelled right then you are not for me. Sorry, CodieneCowboy.

Also, don't reference a possible addiction to painkillers. Just sayin'.

No, I haven't given up on this. I will complete it! Even though I've spread it out over 3 months now.

Day 26: Your week, in great detail

Monday, March 1:
Woke up feeling not so great, with a bad headache. Worked all day, nothing too exciting. Then I skipped tennis practice since I was feeling not so good. I ran over to Michaels to buy paper for my photo album, and then went grocery shopping. I was going to get myself dinner at Moe's, but I missed their operating hours by about ten minutes. Came home, fixed myself dinner, worked on my photo album.

Tuesday, March 2:
Woke up feeling feverish and clammy. I took my temperature, and it was at 99. I was actually relieved, because that explains why I'd been in such a bad mood; I'm always rage-y when I'm getting sick. Finished up work early, so I worked on my photo album. Made myself some soup.

Wednesday, March 3:
Still tired, but feeling better. Worked - did some support call work, held my two training sessions for the week. Found out that Bob Bryar really has left MCR, very sad. Worked captions for my photo album. Stayed up far too late faffing about on the internet, re-tagging old journal entries.

Thursday, March 4:
Got up and ran to my physical therapy appointment for my carpal tunnel. Last appointment, yay! Grabbed lunch from Willy's, and came home. Worked on support calls all afternoon. Completed the embellishments on the photo album. Was safety person for my friend Katherine for her first eHarmony date; she was not kidnapped, yay!

Friday, March 5:
Worked on support calls in the morning; annoyingly I have 5 going right now (this is not my actual job, just helping out another department) which are basically resolved but am waiting to hear back from the client to confirm that what I've told them actually worked. Then did my actual job in the afternoon, four hours of conference calls, an hour and a half of paperwork. Took a super quick shower, and ran to tennis drills. Went out to dinner afterward with Katherine, our regular Tennis and Tequila outing at a local Mexican place. Came home after and put the photo album together, finished, yay!

Saturday, March 6:
I took a day for myself. Slept in til noon, didn't really get up at that point. Worked on tagging old LJ entries, read a blog by a woman who gave up her career to move to Hong Kong with her boyfriend, did laundry, cuddled cat. K came down after work, and we went over to my friends' house for an awesome vegetarian dinner (fake chicken cordon bleu, rudabega (sp?), asparagus, and homemade rolls, with pears and caramel ice cream for dessert, plus yummy lemonade cocktails!) and a movie - Girls Will Be Girls - which should totally be a cult classic, it's hilarious. Hint: none of the girls are actually girls. Came home really late.

Sunday, March 7:
K got up to leave for his parents' house in Florida for spring break early. After he left, I went back to bed until noon. Still tired, but not so hungover as I probably should have been (yummy cocktails were yummy) thanks to copious amounts of water ingested throughout the night. Personal computer wouldn't start; took battery out, started up. Had to restore, screen is not working right (flickers, goes dark, etc). Backed up files in case of premature death; will probably take it in to Best Buy sometime this week. Ran to play tennis, sort of won - I won the first set 7-6, and then half way through the second set, when the score was 3-3, my opponent forfeited due to fatigue (she has had a cold this week.) I am happy to have the points, but it was a bit of a let down. One of the girls on my team was playing a match at the same time, so I stuck around to watch the end of her match, and then we went to dinner. I came home, and have planted myself on the couch, and that pretty much brings us up to date.

( Future Days )

So this weekend was kind of sucky... I had a killer headache on Friday night, Saturday was rainy and blah and I did laundry and not much else, Sunday was more rain and canceled tennis and the return of the killer headache. I think it's sinus related, with the change in the weather and the barometric pressure switching around. Or maybe I'm just defective, I dunno.

Anyway, I still had the headache when I woke up this morning, and I was exhausted, despite having gotten eight hours of sleep and having napped on Sunday afternoon too. So I called in sick to work, which I rarely ever do. But there was nothing on my schedule today and I just couldn't see trying to pretend I was fine for no good reason. I went back to bed and slept til 1, then lolled around the house til about 5pm.

I've been really, really lacking in motivation and happiness over the last couple of weeks. I don't know whether it's a problem with my mood, or weather-related, or just that ho-hum time of year or what. It could also be related to my diet - I probably don't get enough protein. But anyway, I realized today that I just feel lately like I'm failing at everything, which is silly, because I'm not really. My house isn't spotless, and I don't practice my drums enough, and I haven't finished every craft project I've got started, and my lawn looks like crap because I can't mow it due to all the rain we've gotten. But none of those are failures, they're just stuff I haven't done. I don't know why I'm so hard on myself sometimes, I should really stop that.

Tonight I was better. I went to Target and got some pain-killers and sinus meds. I came home and talked to my sister-in-law and my sister, and cleaned my kitchen and living room. It's a start. Tomorrow's goal - start working out of the office again. I tend to work on the couch when it gets cold because my office is in the basement, but it's supposed to warm up tomorrow, and I think I could really use the mental separation between work and home.

Another part of my funk has been caused by the complete lack of dating life I've had my entire life lately. Around October-ish, I decided to really give internet dating a go again, and to try to be more active, etc. It has netted me exactly ZERO dates. I really don't understand the male thought process... if we are both on a dating site, and you email me and I email you back, I am not averse to getting a cup of coffee with you. Just ask! I've even put it in my profile, albeit worded more nicely. What worries me the most about this is, well... before I could always tell myself that it was because I was too fat. But I really look the best I think I've ever looked, which makes me feel really awful about the whole thing because this is me, you know? They can see the real me, and still no one's looking. Oh, thirty pounds, how I miss hiding behind you! Not really, but at the same time, kind of.

So, yeah. My insecurities, let me show you them.

So I'm thinking of joining chemistry.com.... anyone ever tried it?

I refuse to do the eHarmony thing, because they are faily at being inclusive of alternative lifestyles. Lavalife is kind of... I don't know, a bit weird? I've never met anyone on there I've clicked with - or heard from again - except for aubieturtle, which doesn't count because we became LJ friends instead. OKCupid always brings the really strange, with the occasional 'Wow you're interesting but you live 500 miles away.' Eh, I don't know, just feeling like I need to be doing something different.

Speaking of changes, I decided last night to give up diet soda. I was driving to Wal Mart to go grocery shopping, and realized I was so hopped up I was shaking. That can't be good, right? So now I'm on iced tea for caffeine, and am going to allow myself to very occasionally have real soda instead. We'll see how it goes.

You know who sucks? Dating companies who play ad after ad on a Saturday night. Yes, thank you, I realize I'm single and alone. Thanks for highlighting that. :-|

I read once that in order to have someone in your life, you have to make space for them. A feng shui thing - the article suggested that you decorate sort of as if that person were there, that you need a second nightstand on the other side of your bed, and that you should have things there that invite the type of person you want there.

I thought about that tonight as I crawled into bed. There's no pillow on the other side of my bed. The lampshade that's sitting on the nightstand, sans lamp, is still wrapped in plastic.

I'm not ready for someone else in my life right now, and that's okay.

Okay, so the meeting with the realtor went really well. It was actually two people, one is a woman in her late forties and I think she's probably the senior agent in the office, and the other was a really sweet, excitable guy named Jeremy, who is fairly new to the real estate industry. But he and I clicked really well, and I think he'd work hard for me. Every thing they said to me matched up exactly as to what I've read, and I don't feel like they were in any way trying to pull any wool over my eyes.

I'm still trying to set up a couple of other appts with other agents, to shop around and be sure, but I really got a good vibe from Jeremy and I think that's pretty important.

In other news, last night we went out with Scott and Jon to the closing film for the Out Film Festival here in Atlanta... we saw '20 Centimeters,' a musical about a narcoleptic Brazilian pre-op transsexual prostitute. :) It was actually quite sweet.

*sigh* Back at work after a three-day weekend. Well, if you consider sitting on my couch eating oatmeal and watching Masterchef on BBCAmerica while reading email and setting up my week's conference calls work. :)

Anyway, I had a great weekend! My two oldest friends came into town for a girls weekend. Tamii and I have been best friends since first grade, and Debbie moved to our school in the eighth grade. They came down on Thursday night, and we spent the next three days visiting every shopping venue in Atlanta. I managed to withstand the shopping frenzy without spending too much - I got a humidifier, a pair of sunglasses, an eyeliner, a lipstick and a bottle of perfume. I'm really excited about the perfume - I haven't bought any in about 5 years. Fingers crossed that bees won't chase me.

Unfortunately, I seem to have had the anti-Midas touch as well... Saturday night, I went to put the humidifier together, only to discover that the entire base was cracked. Then yesterday, as we were walking out the door to go to brunch, I dropped my new sunglasses in the hallway, and they snapped in two. *headdesk* So we went to Target to exchange the humidifier and I had them open the box on the new one before I left and it was cracked as well. Both the boxes looked a little rough, I'm guessing they came in on the same shipment. After I dropped the girls off at the airport, I went to a different Target and got another one. I haven't opened this one up yet, but I'm not getting my hopes up.

The weekend ended on a good note, though... David came over last night, and we had dinner and watched the Simpsons Halloween special and a movie and just generally had a lovely time.