how do you live so happily while i am sad and broken down?

 So very tired.

I had today off work, and I had a doctor's appointment and a dentist appointment so I had to get up early and head into downtown.  Well, Midtown really but I find that confusing in Atlanta because really they are next door to each other. So weird.  Then I ran over to the library, where I got, among other things, Rainbow Boys by Alex Sanchez.  I was getting another book by the same author, and was sucked in by the cover.



That's Matt Bomer, isn't it?  The guy in the back?  Or just someone who really, really, really looks like him?

I also went to see Spiderman again.  I had a free pass.  It was as good the second time.  Spiderman isn't my favorite superhero, I generally find him a little whiny, but I like this iteration so far.  

Then I came home, at lunch/dinner, and cleaned up a bit.  Then I absolutely crashed out.  I fell asleep on my couch; I never do that.  I hope it doesn't throw me off tonight, as I'm driving to Asheville tomorrow to meet up with my parents and my sister for the weekend.  They decided at the weekend that they wanted to get away for a week or so and are coming out to the mountains to get away from the awful heat and dryness of the midwest right now.  

Also tomorrow, I am getting my first ever mammogram.  It's a few years early, but my doctor wants me to have a baseline on file, which makes sense.  I'm still a little nervous though.

So today I sat on my couch from 10 am to well, NOW. So that was exciting.

The bright point of my day was when the County Code Enforcement officer rang my doorbell. Yeah, I've let the lawn get away from me. It was a bit tall when I left on July 2, but it hadn't rained in ages and I hated to mow it when it was so dry. I planned to mow it when I came back on the 8th, but of course I was too dizzy* to stand up that whole weekend so that did not happen. Then when I got home this weekend, I really should have done it but I was so tired. I really didn't do much but sleep. And it's rained a lot the last too weeks.

The guy was really nice about it, and there's no fine. I just need to mow it by the 30th. I have a guy that one of my friends uses coming by tomorrow because I think I need a backup plan for when I'm travelling or sick. It's happened a couple of times now, and it would take worry off me to have a plan.

The only other thing that happened today was that I called my sister, only to find out she was travelling with my parents and they were headed to a hotel in upstate New York that they weren't going to get to til 1 AM or later. I looked at it online out of curiosity and saw that one of the reviews said the hotel had bedbugs which of course I had to tell my sister. So she canceled that reservation and I helped her find a nice hotel near where they were so they could get off the road at a decent hour. Which was still a quarter til midnight, so I'm thinking it would have been more like 2 AM before they got there.


*While I was home I got sick with Labrynthitis, which despite sounding fake is a real thing. It's basically constant vertigo combined with nausea, with added sensitivity to light and noise. I don't recommend it.

Day 27: This month, in great detail

December 28:
Slept in, had lunch with Mom & Dad. I went to Wal Mart while Dad went to the doctor's - he's come down with a bad sinus infection/bronchitis thing. :( I picked up all the things on their list, and bought the birthday/anniversary cards for tomorrow's dinner, as well as a pastry brush for my mom for her birthday because she mentioned this week that she'd had to throw her old one away but kept forgetting to get a new one. Never say stuff like that around me, it tends to get you that thing, no matter how silly it is. Also, I almost bought a jigsaw puzzle set because for some reason I've been really wanting to put one together over this vacation, but I talked myself out of it because I knew my sister wanted to play cards tonight. Maybe I will look for it on sale at my Walmart when I get home. Anyway, I was wandering around the store, killing time waiting for my dad to get done at the doctor, and I saw the craft aisle so I looked at the yarn for a minute. Then I saw that Electronics was nearby so I thought I'd see how much a small TV would cost as I want one for my office. Then this happened:

My Internal Voice: "Damn, this cart has a wonky wheel."
Part of My Brain That Actually Pays Attention to Life: "Um. Wouldn't it have been wonky the entire 45 minutes you've already been shopping? Why is it just now bad?"
I look down, see the yarn that is quickly winding its way around one of the wheels. "SHIT."
I pull into an aisle and start tugging uselessly at the yarn.
My Internal Voice: "Ugh, it won't come off. Ew, I'm touching wheel grease, this is gross."
Part of My Brain That Actually Pays Attention to Life: "Um. The craft aisle was about 8 aisles back. Have you been trailing yarn this entire time like a dumbass?"

For the record, I had not. I had only been trailing about 15 feet of yarn like a dumbass. I had to get TWO Walmart employees to help me, one of which I asked for assistance and the other who FOLLOWED THE TRAIL OF THE MOVING YARN TO SEE WHAT THE HELL WAS GOING ON. This is my life.

I managed to not have any more accidents and Dad came and got me, and we went to the pharmacy to get his medicine. We chatted with Emory Melton, one of the few people I recognize in town these days and I helped find batteries for his hearing aid because the pharmacy was packed! Then we came home and I got on the internet for a while, then I helped make soup, and then we played cards. My sister and I won three games in a row - we were unbeatable! So we stopped to buy lottery tickets on the way home in case our good luck continued. We then learned that you cannot buy lottery tickets after 10 PM in Cassville MO. We are not sure if that was a state law or a gas station rule. I kind of lean toward it being a "the lady in the back didn't want to teach the new girl how to do it" rule, but that's just me. So we bought 4 scratch off tickets instead. Then my sister had to teach me how to play because I had never bought one before (still haven't, as she paid for them) and didn't understand. 4 tickets at $2 each, and they were all a bust except one, where we won the $2 back. No free money for us! :(

December 29:
Met my best friend's mother in town for lunch and caught up with her - she seems much happier than she has been any time I've seen her post-divorce. Then I went to Springfield with my parents and went to Best Buy. I am going to get a new radio for my car, because I am tired of messing with FM transmitters. Oddly enough, replacing the radio is not that much more expensive. Okay, it's 2-3 times more expensive, but has less chance of me dying in a fiery crash because the damn thing went staticky. Coming soon: Free to good home, one FM transmitter. Works well if you do not live in a major metropolitan area. Ugh. Anyway, I selected the radio I wanted only to find out that they couldn't install it that day, so I will have to do it on Friday after I'm home so that I don't miss the sale price. Also, may have talked my dad into getting a wireless router by telling him it would make us all want to hang out at their house when we're home. True, and sad, I know. I miss wifi. I miss internet. But I love my family. Speaking of which, we then went to our annual Birthday/Anniversary Extravaganza at Jimm's (first time at this restaurant - I realize that made it sound like we do this annually at Jimm's but I'm too lazy to fix it.) I was not expecting Jimm's to have two M's. But the food was decent and it was good to see everyone one last time before I have to head home in the morning. I came back to my sister's after saying goodbye to my parents (sniff) and packed everything up. I am definitely leaving with more than I came with! My mom gave me a knife tonight because I commented on how sharp it was when I was slicing veggies at her house. So far, I've nearly stabbed myself in the foot with it; perhaps I should not have sharp things.

December 30:
Driving, driving, more driving. I let the cat out to stretch her legs in Conway and she peed on the car seat. :( It wasn't her fault though; she was trying to use the litter box but just missed. After 13 lovely hours, many of which were filled with yowling cat, we are both happy to be home. And in anticipation of my New Year's resolution (more coming soon!) I have unpacked and put away almost everything. Then I stayed up far too late embracing the marvel of wi-fi. Oh, how I have missed it!



Day 28: This year, in great detail
Day 29: Hopes, dreams and plans for the next 365 days
Day 30: Whatever tickles your fancy

Day 27: This month, in great detail

December 18:
I got up at 5:30 am and started the trek to Missouri. 13 1/2 hours later, I arrived at my sister's house. Bringing the cat with me tacked on an extra hour and a half to the drive, as I pulled over twice to let her out of her carrier. And once because she let herself out. !!! I am going to buy a bigger carrier before we head home, probably one for a dog so she has room to move around. My sister was over at my parents' house so we had some time to ourselves to settle in.

December 19:
We got up and went to Mom & Dad's for lunch with my aunt, then my cousin and her husband came over and we played cards. My parents got a new TV on Saturday, so that was the big news, and we had to rearrange everything that was hanging near it. My sister and I went on a two mile walk, and then came back in time to have a quick bite of dinner before it was time to head to church to watch my dad sing in the choir for the Christmas show. I am not a fan of their minister - he's nice enough, but they used to have a fantastic one and this one is only so-so. And they changed it from a cantata, where everyone sings together, to a performance with a live nativity, which I find just awkward. Then we came home and played another game of cards and ate peanut butter fudge.

December 20:
Slept in, then ran errands - post office and UPS - then went over to Mom & Dad's. Helped decorate the Christmas tree, something I haven't done in years. Met my sister in Monett and then we all drove up to Springfield to have dinner and go shopping. I have now officially finished my Christmas shopping! I only had my nephew left and I bought him a sweater, and then I got my niece a book although I had something else for her as well but it didn't feel like enough. I got her Behemoth, the second in the Leviathian YA trilogy, because her mom said she wanted it and I have to say, I want to read it too! We saw part of the lunar eclipse, about halfway.

December 21:
We met Mom & Dad in town for lunch at Pizza Hut, then went for a bike ride with my aunt since today is supposed to be the last halfway nice day this week. My rear hurts! I don't really like riding bikes, it's so much more work than walking. My sister enjoys it though. Then we all went to dinner and came back to my parents' and played cards. My dad & I lost miserably, and then we had to carry the world's heaviest chest upstairs for my mom.

December 22:
Today we drove to Joplin because my mom wanted to buy a food processor. Exciting times, I know. We also stopped by my nephew's store and hung out with him for a few minutes, which was nice. My sister and her boyfriend drove up as well. They were going to shop, and I was going to take the parents home, but I wanted to look in one shop, and before you knew it, it was late. Mom was going to cook, but it was late when we got home so we went out for BBQ instead. I always think the local BBQ place is going to be better than it is, which is sad-making. Then I dropped my parents off at home and came back to my sister's and wrapped gifts. I am so excited to give people their presents! I hope they all like them!

December 23:
With all the going, I was determined to take today easy to gear up for the big weekend. So my sister was heading back to Springfield to shop, but I decided to just go to my parents' to wrap gifts and relax. On the drive over, my mom called - she'd forgotten about a funeral of one of her friend's sister, and my dad was out doing some volunteer work with the church so could I please take her. So I sped up, since it was 1:15 and the funeral was at 2. We were about 5 minutes late but we snuck in quietly, signed the guest book and took our programs and sat down in the back as the opening prayers concluded. And then we opened up the program and discovered.... WRONG FUNERAL. This funeral home has two locations and my mom just assumed it would be the one closest to where the family lived, not the one 10 minutes down the road. So we left the complete stranger's funeral (of a 40 year old lady who died of a sudden illness, v sad for her family) hopped back in the car and went to the right one. I may have giggled the whole way about the mix-up. It was very sit-com.

Day 28: This year, in great detail
Day 29: Hopes, dreams and plans for the next 365 days
Day 30: Whatever tickles your fancy

One of the reasons I haven't really updated my journal lately is because I've been feeling pretty overwhelmed by life lately. It's silly, because this is a great outlet for frustrations, but I haven't felt up to using it. I'm going to try to be better about that.

Some of the reasons I am feeling overwhelmed:

My family:
This has not been a great year for my family. My mom had a stroke. My aunt had a lumpectomy, which led to a mastectomy, which then led - I'm still not sure how - to a ruptured colon. My oldest brother had a bicycle accident that collapsed his lung. My other brother has had some unknown virus that caused him to lose 25 pounds (which he didn't have to lose; I asked how I could get this virus, as I could stand to lose it easily.) Everyone is healing from their calamities nicely, but it's been one thing after another, with a lot of worrying and feeling helpless. And I've spent a lot on flowers.

My job:
I've had a lot of problem sites, with challenging installations, lots of overtime. It's been a rough summer.

My weight:
I've gained about 25 pounds in the last year. I am super unhappy about this - I feel fat and gross and ugly. I know these things aren't true when I look in the mirror, but it doesn't stop from me from feeling them. Luckily I'm not carrying it the way I did last time I was this heavy, because I am a more active person now, but I do not want to stay this way. I'm trying to diet, but I'll do good for a few days then blow it (usually on the weekends.) I play tennis two or three times a week, but I need to supplement that with the Wii and with the treadmill, and I haven't been able to motivate myself to do so.

My house:
Well, really the yard. After I had that horrid bout of poison ivy, I got kind of scared to go out there. It turned into a jungle. This is one area where I've made some progress recently. I had let the house get dirty, and I've been cleaning. I finally got the yard mowed today - I was going to give up and call someone to do it, but the weather was under 90 today with a breeze, so I sucked it up and spent about 4 hours mowing, weed-eating, and leaf-blowing. I still need to spray for the poison ivy and weeds. I want to buy some sort of sprayer that will be easier to use than the Round Up I've been buying - the squeezy thing hurts my hand.

So these are my woes. They're not the worst in the world, and trust me, I know there's a lot of people that have it worse than me. But they are mine, and they have been making me sad. I'm still getting out, playing tennis, meeting up with friends, etc, but I don't feel like myself.

Today would have been my grandmother's 100th birthday. She was a great lady, and I miss her.

Thanks everyone who responded to my post about my mom. She starts her physical therapy today - she chose to go to the rehab center, which is the most difficult physically, but gives the greatest chance for recovery, so I am proud of her for choosing that option.

As for me, I am a little stressed out over the whole thing, but dealing. It would help if my work this week had been easy, but that was not and continues not to be the case. I am taking tomorrow off though, and will have two full days of being here without working before I head back to Georgia on Sunday.

• Dec 21: Flew home.


• Dec 22: Shopped til we dropped (nearly literally, I was actually sore the next day.)


• Dec 23: Iowa relatives arrive; we go to airport to pick up my cousin (also an Iowa relative) who was flying in from Philly where she goes to school.


• Dec 24: Generally hung out around the house waiting for Giant Snowstorm to arrive. Storm arrove just as my sister and I were driving home, good timing as always!


• Dec 25: Drove an hour away to my brother's house in Springfield for Christmas. Icy sidewalks led to my 75 year old father falling and landing on his face (actually literally, he thought he broke his nose for a minute.) He is fine, thankfully. I got $140 to put toward my anticipated Wii purchase, the Watchmen DVD, Star Trek DVD, note cards with cats on (am officially cat lady), and a night light that is the Fragile Lamp from A Christmas Story - it is pretty awesome. Held my new great-nephew for the first time! He's pretty cute, I think we're gonna have to keep him.


• Dec 26: My mom had a Boxing Day party. No, we're not British or Canadian. My sister-in-law (who is British) started this last year and my mom loves a tradition, although we didn't do a roast, just stew and chili and snacks. It was fun. I also went to see my BFF's mom's new post-divorce house, and played cards with my family.


• Dec 27: Drove an hour away (in a different direction, pretty much everything is an hour away from my parent's house) to Joplin to visit with my nephew and his family, since we barely got to see them on Christmas day. We saw his new jewelry store, which looks great! They weren't open though, as the first night they were open (last week) some asshole broke in that night and robbed them. They didn't get the good stuff though, and he has insurance, so it's all good, and hopefully they'll reopen this week.


• Dec 28: Shopping in Springfield, and dinner with extended family. Another tradition, my mom's birthday and one aunt & uncle's anniversary are the last week of December, my brother and my aunt's birthday and my brother & sister-in-law's anniversary are the first week of January, plus my parents' anniversary is the last week of January, so we celebrate all of them and everyone exchanges cards.


• Dec 29: Had lunch with my great-uncle, who is 92. He's still mentally sharp, and able to drive himself around, although he's gotten a lot more frail in the last two years, so it's always good to get to see him. It was my mom's birthday, so we spent the afternoon playing Hand & Foot (card game) then went out for Mexican for dinner, then back for more cards. It started snowing again, of course just as my sister & I were driving back to her house. We really have sucky timing. It was a wet snow too, so super slick. We made it okay, but we did stop because someone else had put their car in the ditch, and driven through a barbed wire fence. They were okay though.

And that's pretty much it! Flying home tomorrow (which will be today by the time I get this posted, as my sister doesn't have internet access at her house.)

ETA: Actually that was yesterday, as I was, er, preoccupied when I got home :D

So I've spent most of the afternoon/evening dealing with the water that came into my house. Nowhere near as bad as many in metro Atlanta tonight, though, so I'm counting myself lucky (or trying to). Hopefully it won't be too damaging, but the rain isn't stopping, so it could get worse I suppose. Ugh. I am now the proud owner of a shop-vac.

In other, equally cheery news, my great-niece is in the hospital with a high fever which they are leaning toward diagnosing as H1N1. *worries*

I'm in my hotel room in Vancouver, playing on the internet and watching tv. Also in Vancouver tonight are Adam Lambert and the rest of the American Idol contestants, and probably the actors from my favorite tv show, Supernatural, which should be starting to film again soon. I, however, have no desire to get off this couch. I fail at stalking.

I go home tomorrow! I am so, so, sooooooooooooooooo excited about this prospect. I miss my house, my cat, my couch, my tv, my hobbies, my tennis team, my friends, my own internet connection. 12 days is a long time.

Also, on Monday, my nephew's wife gave birth to their son! I am a great-aunt! His name is Brody and he's doing well - he has a small problem with his lungs, but they say it's not a big deal. I missed his arrival by 24 hours. *pouts* Although honestly it's for the best because if she'd gone into labor on Sunday, I would have had to leave in the middle and that would have sucked. I was thinking about it this morning, and I decided I am going to make my mom a cross-stitched family tree for Christmas - it's always hard to buy stuff for her, but I think she'd really like this, and I ordered the kit today - if I start now, I should be able to get it done by Christmas.