how do you live so happily while i am sad and broken down?

Previously I posted about how I was working less this summer, participating in a work/pay reduction program. I signed up for three months, with the intention of either changing to the offered leave of absence program for 3 months in the fall or extending this one.

I decided that the best course of action was to extend, and last week I put in the request to do that only to be immediately rejected. They have figured out that the program they offered was too generous to save them money and they are not extending it. I was upset but it is what it is.

So I decided that I would take advantage of it while I can and take a break. Using 9 vacation days, I’ll have 3.5 weeks off. Then I’ll come back to one more 3 day work week before returning to being a full-time employee again.

What to do with the time?

I’ve set 4 goals:

1. Catch up on my reading. Right now, I have 4 or 5 library books on my iPad and I want to finish them so I can turn off airplane mode. 😆

2. (Start and) Finish my 2008 memory book. I have all the photos printed and I’m ready to start it.

3. Make an exercise from home program and make it a routine. I am going for a 3ish mile walk each and playing tennis once a week but I need some sort of core fitness strength training also.

4. Clean house and declutter a bit.

Writing them down so I can come back at the end and see how I did lol.

State of the world: still shit. Government agents are snatching Americans off the streets and throwing them in unmarked vans, the plague is still in full swing, the American death toll just hit 150,000; it’s still The Darkest Timeline.

Black lives matter.

If you don't believe that, there's no use you reading any further.

On May 25, four Minneapolis police murdered a man named George Floyd. Protests began the next day and continue to happen now.

I broke our stay at home plan on Sunday to attend a protest here in Decatur. It's not a brave move - it's literally the least I could do. I did not go to the protests in Atlanta, which is where police brutality was most likely to - and did - break out. I wish I was brave enough to do that, but I was not.

I am working to educate myself on being an active ally, and to get more involved with anti-racist organizations here in Georgia.

And I'm going to get a covid test, probably on Friday, for peace of mind.

More than 250,000 people have died so far, worldwide.

Almost 70,000 Americans.

Nearly 30,000 each for Italy and the UK.

Spain and France, 25,000 each.

It's unfathomable to me. We hear the numbers, and they're just that - numbers. When I read a story about someone, it's sad, but it just seems like one death. I don't know how you make the emotional connection between one death as a person, and 250,000 deaths.

Not like, in the normal sense, but in the actual practical sense.

I've taken this week as a vacation week - I've been working on a big project since last September and I finished my big deliverable recently and I needed a mental break in general. It's only been exacerbated by the stress of the pandemic, so I feel lucky to be able to take time off.

But one of my main goals for the week is to draw up wills for myself and R. It's actually been on my to-do list for a while now, since my mom died. I was really focused (ie freaked out) about dying for a year or so after her death, and this was one of my steps from therapy to do finite things to prepare. (The other was to decide what I want to happen to my body after I die; still pondering that one!)

I'm also working on writing up full medical histories for us both, in case of hospitalization, so the other one would have something to lean on.

Good times, definitely what people do on vacation, right?

I'm also spring cleaning, organizing closets and the pantry. Tomorrow I'm going to clean off my craft area in the bedroom. I'm going to see if I can remember enough sewing to make some masks and headbands to use and donate. We got two cloth masks from a local company, and have an order of three coming from Amazon. I'd like to make the ones that have a pocket in them. We'll see how I do. I've got some spare fabric, and the worst thing that happens is that it doesn't work out well.

March 9 - 15:

We knew it was going to be rough without the bathroom, but we had a plan. There are toilets downstairs on the first floor, near our building's fitness room. With R gone during the week, I had arranged to go to a friend's house on occasion for a shower.

There was a parade of people in the condo that week - our two contractors, who are brothers; the plumbers - a father, daughter, and I think the daughter's husband but they were never clear on that; and the electrician. Okay, that's a small parade by parade-scales, but by "just me and the cat" standards, it's a lot of people.

On Thursday, the social distancing recommendations started. R came home that day, as usual. On Friday, I went to play tennis because it was a beautiful day. It was a great workout! That was the last time I was around more than ten people. Afterwards, I went to my friend's house for a second shower of the week. This time, I took my own shampoo and towel, and I tried not to touch anything I didn't have to. That was the last time I went into someone else's house. R's work tells him to work from home.

Over the weekend, we learned the dance of washing our hands, washing our hands, washing our hands. To go to the bathroom, out the door, then elbow the down button on the elevator, elbow the floor. Elbow the bathroom door handle and try not to think how many people have touched it. Wash your hands. Use the towel to open the door, turn off the lights. Sigh and wonder why they put the trash can on the other side of the room; you shoot, you score, towel thrown away. Back to the elevator and more elbowing. Opening your door and washing your hands again. By Sunday, I was searching through our boxes of bathroom stuff for hand lotion.

March 16 - 22:

Bathroom renovation continues apace. I work in the bedroom with the cat, because left to her own devices she dug a hole in the carpet trying to get out. R works downstairs like he usually does when he works from home, commandeering the small boardroom in our common areas that no one ever uses. I try to go for a short walk most days after work, avoiding the few people on the sidewalks as much as I can.

We bath in the kitchen sink. I haven't washed my hair that way since I was a child. I still don't like getting water in my eyes.

I go to the grocery store, which sounds odd but you have to understand that I don't do this often. I use a meal service through the week when R is gone, and we eat out on the weekends. I buy frozen foods; I look at the produce and wonder if it's safe. There are no cleaning products, no toilet paper - panicked shoppers last week have cleaned them out. I'm not super worried though - you don't need tp when you don't have a toilet.

We ask the contractors if we can get our new toilet installed for the weekend, and they say yes. They work late on Friday to get it done, but I don't make it that long - on Wednesday, after the grocery store trip, I can't handle it any more and we get a hotel for Thursday and Friday. R takes the Clorox wipes and disinfects the room. I bring Chinese takeout on my way down, and I take a long hot shower Thursday night and another one Friday morning as I walk the two blocks home.

We stay Friday too, more showers, but I can't enjoy it. I feel like we aren't social distancing, like we are breaking the rules, even though we are doing the best we can with the situation. It's a relief to go home Saturday morning, to our new toilet and another week of sink showers.

March 23 - 29:
The home stretch! The plumbers come back to put in the shower fixtures. We have to beg the electrician to come back - they want to know if the work is essential and then make me get permission from our HOA board to let them in the building. The plumbers come out again, and we're nearly there - missing one part that has to be ordered from Amazon.

On Tuesday, I run up to Home Depot to pick up an online order for our missing shower door handles, and they're controlling the number of people going into the store at once. But they aren't controlling the line outside, and people are failing to maintain the six-feet distance and I'm not happy but the line moves fast. R has been saying he would go grocery shopping in the morning but I'm out and contaminated, so I text him for a list and I go to the Publix. People are wearing masks and there's still no TP or cleaning products. I buy frozen foods and cookies and a box of wine, and by the time I get home, I'm so freaked out that I'm shaking. We start disinfecting our groceries.

I stop going for walks.

Another weekend gone.

I woke up at 5 am this morning and could NOT get back to sleep, despite not needing to be up til 9. Suck. But I had plenty of time to chop up the watermelon I'd bought to take to my tennis match, so that's something.

We did not win. Overall, my team won 1 match out of 5. We've moved ourselves up a level this summer, & our opponents are not that much more skilled than we are but they are more consistent. But it is actually a lot more fun & we are all learning a lot, even only 2 matches in to the season. My partner & I lost 2-6,5-7 - we nearly took that second set! So that was 2 hours of tennis, & then 2 of my teammates wanted to play more after their match as it was over pretty quickly so we played for another hour or more with them.

All this to say: god, I am sore.

Fall Out Boy!!

It was like, 100 degrees in the Tabernacle tonight. I'm pretty sure I sweated off a few pounds jumping around like an idiot. It was good times!

We got there in time to get my favorite seats! So close to the stage without all the crush of being on the floor!
( Photos and vids ahoy! )

Soooooo. Hi, it's been ages, I know. I do think about posting, and I read often, but I never seem to get around to it.

I'm on twitter and tumblr all the time, and I've considered blogging over on tumblr, but I don't know - it doesn't feel like the same kind of space. So here I am.

Right now, what's on my mind is hair.

Ok, so a few months ago, I went out with this guy a few times, and because I was dating when I got my hair done, I kept it longer than I normally would. So now it's grown out quite a bit, and it's to the point where it's kind of annoying me.

Normally, this would be the point where I'd just cut it off.

Buuuut.

I kind of want to be dating, or feel like I should be making more of an effort or something, and I have never dated a guy when I had short hair. So I'm considering keeping it longer, even though I know I'd be happier with it short.

Boys.

Ugh, so yeah. I've been kind of lonely lately and so I've been hitting up the dating websites more often than usual. I joined match (double ugh, really.) but anyway, now someone has emailed me and it's only just occurred to me that now I'll have to go on a date.

I am really not great at dating.

I mean, once you get to know me, I'm pretty rad. I just suck at first impressions and awkward conversations. And I start to worry that I don't look like my online pictures anymore and what if he's disappointed? Rejection sucks.

And yeah, this is what happens when a guy asks to meet up for a coffee and a chat about gun control, because I "seem political, and he'd like to hear my views."

Title: Stories Stacked Up So Tall