vixalicious | The Making of a Soundtrack

For

bandombigbang, I signed up for doing a fanmix and got to make a soundtrack to go along with

sunsetmog's totally hilarious and cute high school au about Panic at the Disco being faily and in love. You should totally read it, it's PG-13 for those of you who aren't into the pr0n, and snarky and funny. It is here, along with links to listen to or download the mix I made.

Anyway, I didn't realize when I was doing it that a lot of people put in the quotes that inspired the song choices, and I wanted to do that, and she was kind enough to humor me, but it got a little long so I'm putting it here instead.

Holding Your Hand

Spencer thinks it is stupidly, ridiculously cute and imagines walking down the hallways holding Brendon's hand.

Spencer thinks his stupid crush is stupid, and he slides down in his seat so that no one can see his stupid lame smile.

01. This House is a Circus by Arctic Monkeys
This house is a circus, beserk as fuck / we tend to see that as a perk though, look

"No, you have to remind me again why I'm even friends with you," Ryan says, later on. He's sprawled across Spencer's bed with his math homework spread out in front of him, throwing pencils at Spencer's head. "You're so weird."

Spencer concentrates on his world history textbook and curls his toes into the carpet. "So what if I like things neat," he says. "It's easier when you know where everything is."

"Hmm," Ryan says, shaking his head. "They have a name for people like you. Freak."
...

"Imagine that," Spencer says, "if you had to tell people that I was your son, the croquet player."

"That would be embarrassing," his mom says, mock-seriously. "I'd have to pretend we weren't related. There's not any chance you want to switch to croquet, is there?"

Notes: I hadn't really listened to this song closely until I was working on this and now I can't stop listening to it.

02. I Hate Everyone by Get Set Go
All the people on the street/ I hate you all / And the people that I meet / I hate you all / and the people that I know / I hate you all / and the people that I don't / I hate you all /

"I do," Spencer says earnestly. "I'm looking out for your welfare. I've heard about the internet, you know. Old men can prey on young impressionable people like you, I just want to make sure your emails aren't coming from creepy pensioners or Ms. Jackson from the school office. I'm concerned for your well-being, Ryan."

"I hate you, I hate you, I hate you," Ryan says.
...

"Why are we even friends," Spencer says, crawling out of bed. "I hate everything about you."

"Get up."

Notes: Ryan & Spencer in this story remind me of me and my best friends. If you didn't know us, you'd think we hate each other, but it's just the way you work with the people you know you can say anything to.

03. The Sporting Life by The Decemberists
But while I am lying here / Trying to fight the tears / I'll prove to the crowd that I come out stronger / Though I think I might lie here a little longer

He feels his knee twist as he lands.

The crowd erupts, and the screams are deafening.

But Spencer, Spencer can't get up.

Notes: The Decemberists are awesome? Yes. This is also the only rock song I've ever heard about being injured playing sports? Also yes.

04. Black and Blue by Counting Crows
Fading everything to black and blue / you look a lot like you / shatter in the blink of an eye

He wakes up when the painkillers wear off, and he needs to go to the bathroom. He's not used to managing the crutches and he can't move without it hurting; he gets to the bathroom just in time but he can't stand up without the crutches and it's the middle of the night and he's desperate. He kind of half wets himself and he can't help it, he just cries. He's burning red with embarrassment when his mom comes to find him.

Notes: This scene showed so much helplessness, and this song always makes me feel desperate.

05. We Rule the School by Belle & Sebastian
On a bus stop in the town / "We Rule The School" / Written for anyone with eyes in their head

Ryan rolls his eyes. "Well, duh. But you're still not actually dead, Spencer. You get that, right? They can't actually mourn you when you're still alive."

"I was their king," Spencer says, mournfully. "And I might as well be." No rugby. For weeks. He's going to be stuck hanging around the arts magazine office and throwing bits of paper at Ryan's head to pass the time. He can't wait. If he's really lucky, maybe Ryan will find a job for him to do, like reading through all the terrible, emo poetry that Ryan rejects every month without fail. Ryan's kind of elitist. "They used to make me signs. I liked the signs."

Ryan rolls his eyes again. "You're such a loser. A not actually dead loser."

Notes: I'll admit it, I picked this one for the title. It's probably the song that fits in the least lyrically, but the wistful tone really worked for me.

06. Changes by Butterfly Boucher & David Bowie
Strange fascination, fascinating me / Ah changes are taking the pace Im going through / Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes

"Time's ticking by, Mr. Smith. Drama, or summer school. And you might want to take into consideration the fact we don't let kids - even if they're the flyhalf - who are short on P.E. credits take AP classes in their senior year."

Spencer sinks down lower in his chair. No way is he joining the drama department. No fucking way.

--

He's joining the drama department.

Notes: Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes!

07. The Likes of You by Black Rebel Motorcycle Club
I ain't ever seen the likes of you before

Brendon's in the middle of the room, whooping a lot and jumping around. "I'm an exploding box of froot loops, Ms. E," he says earnestly, when Ms. Elliot questions the hand waving and the jumping jacks.

Spencer coughs back a laugh, because Brendon's being kind of funny.

Notes: How can a song that has one line be so damn catchy?

08. Bewitched, Bothered and Bewildered by Ella Fitzgerald
I've sinned a lot / I'm mean a lot/ But I'm like sweet seventeen a lot / Bewitched, bothered, and bewildered am I

"Hey," Spencer says, and grins back as he tries to think of something – anything – to say. He blinks, and realizes he's forgotten every word in the whole English language. "Um," he says, "hey."

Brendon nods, and bites his lip. "So," he says.

"Yeah," Spencer says, and nods awkwardly.

"Cool," Brendon says, "I'll see you later, then?"

"Sure," Spencer says, and he waits until Brendon's left the room before he groans and buries his face in his hands. "Lame, lame, lame," he says to himself, and he feels like all the half-painted scenery is laughing at him too.

Notes: Boys bring the awkward. \o/

09. Lollipop by Ben Kweller
Her kiss is sweeter than an apple pie / And when she does her shaky rockin' dance / Man, I haven't got a chance

"That's really cool," Brendon says. "You want some candy? I got you a bag."
...

So it's kind of a surprise when he leaves last period history class and Brendon falls into step beside him, grinning widely and offering him a piece of cherry candy.

"It'll turn my tongue pink," Spencer says, stupidly.

Brendon just sticks out his tongue and laughs. His tongue is all pink and bright and Spencer's kind of stuck looking at his mouth, and his lips, and he finds himself licking his own lips and thinking about maybe kissing Brendon and wondering if he'd taste like cherry.

Notes: I found this version a few months ago & it's pretty true to the original.

10. Cool Scene by The Dandy Warhols
don't really think you know your friends man / like you're livin in a social hydrant / I really don't mean that it's cool / didn't really wanna be in high school

"And," Ryan says, wriggling away from him, "you've lost your, um. Whatshisface."

"Brendon," Spencer says, exasperatedly, "his name's Brendon. And I haven't lost him, he's right here -" Spencer trails off, and looks around the crowded room. "I've lost him," he says.
...

"Yeah," Brendon says. "You really didn't need to do that."

"They were fucking with you," Spencer tells him. "Now they won't."

"Awesome," Brendon says, "good job. I should go."

"Brendon," Spencer says, genuinely confused, "what the fuck?"

Notes: High school parties, really not that fun. Seriously, did you ever go to one that didn't have equal parts awkward and drama?

11. The Truth About Me by Adrianne
i'm jealous, don't call enough / i'm selfish, it's hard to nail me down / but know this / you're in my heart for good / it's the one thing i know how to do / is be there for you

"I didn't know what to say," Spencer says, after a minute. "I'm not – this isn't what metrosexuality was in the nineties, or whatever. It isn't a game. It's just. I like boys, Ryan. I like this boy."

"Yeah," Ryan says, "I know."
...

When they're out of sight of Spencer's house, around the corner and by the park, Ryan tumbles off his bike and grabs Spencer's sleeve. "Fuck," he says, and hugs Spencer so hard it hurts.

Notes: This song choice is all about Ryan and Spencer, from Ryan's point of view. I think this moment between them is one of the key scenes in the story, and speaks volumes about who they are to each other. Adrianne is a local Atlanta-based (or at least partially based) musician who I saw at Eddie's Attic last year. Her last album (which this is off of) is great, and she has a new one out soon. Check out her myspace here.

12. Does Your Mother Know by ABBA
Does your mama know that you're out?

"Fuck," he says, and he bites his lip. "I'm gay, Ryan. I'm gay."

Outside his bedroom, his mom drops a basket of laundry.

Notes: Okay, so it's probably wrong to put this song in for the most emotional moment of the fic, but I did it for two reasons: 1) I couldn't resist the twist on the concept of being 'out' and 2) sort of a shock value - it added a level of the surreal to the moment for me. Okay, plus I just thought it was funny.

13. Suddenly Everything Has Changed by The Flaming Lips
Putting all the clothes you washed away / As you're folding up the shirts you hesitate / Then it goes fast / Think of the past / Suddenly everything has changed

Spencer spends the rest of the evening in the kitchen with his iPod on, so he can't hear if his mom's crying.

Notes: I do pick a lot of songs based on the title, and this one is pretty self-explanatory. I also liked the reference to laundry, because there was a lot of mention of it the scenes between Spencer and his mom.

14. I Know I Know I Know by Tegan & Sara
You're one room right over, stressing and loving me / I know I know I know, be still my love / The same as I love you, you'll always love me too / This love isn't good unless it's me and you

"You're a good kid," she says, "the best."

"I'm gay," Spencer says, softly. "I like boys."

"I know," she says,

Notes: This song always makes me want to cry, and this moment in the story made me actually cry, so it's a match made in heaven as far as I'm concerned. One of the things I think makes this story unique is that the awesome, liberal, funny mom stumbles and is human. Also I love, love, love Tegan and Sara. If you've never checked them out, I think So Jealous is their best album.

15. Slow Show by The National
I wanna hurry home to you / put on a slow, dumb show for you / and crack you up
Notes: Okay, this is probably the most shoe-horned in there song I picked, because I just like it. It's boys showing off, pulling your pigtails, it's never leaving the middle school dance. It's just awkward and awesome. It's really just Brendon and Spencer from the time Spencer comes out until the play opens.

16. I Feel Pretty by Little Richard
I feel pretty, oh so pretty, like a pretty wonderful boy

Brendon is amazing. Spencer can't look at anyone else the whole time Brendon's on stage.

Notes: It's a story set in rehearsals for a musical, there HAD to be a show tune in the soundtrack somewhere! Plus I defy you to listen to this song and not laugh... it's Little Richard! Shut up!

17. Selfish Jean by Travis
cheers / thanks for everything / you hung me out by my heart / you're just so selfish Jean / yes you are

"There's a rugby party after every game," Brendon says, quickly. "But only one after-show party. You should come to that instead."

"I'm the flyhalf," Spencer tells him. He has responsibilities, he's pretty sure of that. Anyway, at the rugby party, everyone will cheer him and stuff. He's the flyhalf, and people will want to high-five him and stuff. "I have to go."
...

"Spencer," Ryan says, softly. "You're at the wrong party."

"I know," Spencer says. He knows.

"Fuck," Ryan says, "You're an idiot."

Notes: Such a cheery song that says 'OMG you fucked me over and you will continue to do so!' Plus how can you not like a song with the lyrics 'You keep the chocolate biscuits wired to a car alarm?' That's selfish, y'all. I almost put The New Pornographer's My Rights vs Yours here instead, but the bouncy music won out.

18. One Man Guy by Rufus Wainwright
'Cause I'm a one man guy in the morning / Same in the afternoon / One man guy when the sun goes down / I whistle me a one man tune

"I want to be your boyfriend," Spencer says, because he's said it once already, and he can't be any more nervous than he was the first time. "I mean, if you want to, that is."

"Like a secret boyfriend?" Brendon asks, after a minute.

"No," Spencer says, biting his lip. "Like, boyfriend, boyfriend.

Notes: I just wanted some Rufus. And a song that didn't pull punches with pronouns for a story about two boys in love.

19. Birds and Bees by Ben Lee (with Mandy Moore)
It's not a secret, it's not a crime / I've never done this before / Well neither have I

"Yeah, well," Spencer says, rolling his eyes. "I just called him up and said we should go to that new place, by the rollerskating rink, and I didn't even get any further because he was really excited about going rollerskating. How was I supposed to say no to that?"

"You're dating a total dork," Ryan says, laughing.

Notes: I love Ben Lee. 'nuff said. *la-la-la's and skips away, holding hands*

20. Holding Your Hand by Thea Gilmore
Through the playgrounds / Through the fires / You'll be saluting at the stars / And I'll be holding your hand

"So," Brendon says, as Spencer locks his bike up on Monday morning before school, "you said something about holding my hand in the hallways."

Notes: This was the first song I picked for the mix, because of all the references to Spencer wanting to hold Brendon's hand in the hallway at school (although this specific line wasn't in the draft I read first.) I love this song, it's one of my favorite love songs. The lyrics sound creepy at first, but it's really sweet when you listen to it. This artist is another Eddie's Attic find, via Neil Gaiman's blog. She is awesome, and I think I now own her entire discography. If you're ever in Atlanta, you should check out Eddie's - best venue in town!

AHAHAHA you thought I was done! 8 song coda for the Ryan/Jon storyline of my heart! Quotes only though, no notes.

"Ryan sent his internet boyfriend pictures of mugs with cats on them," Spencer tells Brendon, "as a genuine attempt at seduction. It's really funny."

01. Stalker Girl by The Arrogant Worms

"Hey," Ryan says, keeping a firm hold of the mouse. "Fuck off, this is my creepy stalker email. Get your own."

"It's like an episode of CSI happening right in front of me," Spencer says nostalgically. "I'll get to be in all the flashback scenes. It's kind of beautiful.

"
02. She's a Mystery by Matt Ryczek

He glances down at the page, and he sees that it's an email that Ryan's sent, a one liner that says, why won't you tell me who you are, you take really awesome photos but I want to know why you only take them of me.

He looks down the page; there's a reply and it's from Ryan's creepy internet stalker, and it says, because when you're around you’re the only fucking thing that I see.

03. Whistle for the Choir by The Fratellis
04. Does Your Cat Have a Moustache by The Format

"I still am," Ryan says, stretching out so his feet hang over the end of the couch. "I just understand what it's like to want to pet a cat, now, that's all."

There's a long moment where nobody says anything.

"Okay," Spencer's mom says. "O-kay. I preferred it when you boys were swearing. You never know what you've got till it's gone."

05. You Don't Know Me by Jann Arden

"Um," the guy says. "So, Ryan, there's a party –"

Spencer cocks his head to one side and narrows his eyes. Hmmm, he thinks.

Ryan just rolls his eyes. "Yeah. And?"

"Nothing," the guy says. "Thought you might want to come, that's all."

Ryan blinks. "Why?" he asks.

"No reason," he says.

06. 5:19 by Matt Wertz

Spencer rolls his eyes. "Still dumped, huh?"

"Yep," Ryan says, miserably. He's swathed in eyeliner and stupid hats. "I'm miserable and I'm going to die alone."

07. P.S. You Rock My World by Eels

"Fine," Ryan says, grumpily. "So, I'm going to take all these pictures, like Jon does, but with messages on them, and I'm going to put them on the centerfold, and then I'm going to email him the page and attach a picture with me in and I'll have this sign and it'll say, come on a date with me, Jon Walker. And then he'll date me. Shut up, it's totally lame, I know."

08. Bad Poetry by Ben Lee

Spencer's texting Ryan under the table, typing, yes ill still talk 2 u when every1 is laughing @ u. same as everyday. loser.
...

Ryan nods, and starts to scroll through the pages on the screen, until they get to the centerfold. In the top corner, it says, Dear Jon Walker…, and then across the double page spread are all of Ryan's crappy photos. It looks different to when Spencer saw them before, when he was just scrolling through a folder of pictures. It looks bigger.

"Fuck," Ryan manages, slumping down in his chair. "Oh fuck, I'm such a fucking loser."