Fear of a Name Only Increases Fear of the Thing Itself.

[vixalicious]

I mentioned a while back that I feel sometimes like Twitter has taken over from where I used to post, although honestly I don't think I post less, it's just that because the twitter feed posts here every day, I feel like there's less actual content on my blogs. I immediately came up with a list of things I wanted to post about and then, just as immediately, failed to post about any of them. Now I will attempt to start remedying that.

One of the things I came up with, and that's been on my mind lately, is writing. Writing and Why I'm Not Doing It, to be more specific. I haven't written anything since last November, not even stuff that I just haven't finished really. I have a two-paragraph bandom thing that I think I did in December, but trust me when I say it doesn't count. I could give a million reasons why I'm not writing now - I was burned out by life in December, I've been working on craft projects & stuff around the house, I'm focusing on other hobbies like tennis & drums (haha, yeah, not reall) - but they'd just be excuses.

The real reason is that I'm scared.

I'm scared, because of what I want to write: the novel that I started plotting out last year for the creative writing class that I took. I'm scared, because I honestly think it's the best idea I've ever had, and because writing it means committing to doing something about it when (if!) it's done. I'm scared by the amount of research, the scope of the novel, the amount of work and disappointment that goes into trying to get published. What if I can't do it? What if I do it and it sucks? What if I do it and it doesn't suck? I've sort of worked myself into a tizzy about it, to the point that rather than think about it, I just do other stuff. I've bought some of the books I wanted for research, but didn't read them. I downloaded a free software for writing, but haven't taken the time to read the instructions (although I have actually played with it - it seems... complex).

Also, I still haven't managed to fit writing into my 'at home' activities. It was so easy before to fit it into the 3-5 hours a week I spent on airplanes, away from the distractions of the internet and the rest of the world. Now I am home more, I don't seem to make time for it. Heaven forbid I watch one less episode of crappy TV a week or anything.

So that's what's been on my mind writing-wise. I don't know that this was the most coherent explanation of it, but that's what I've got today.

Comments

[yellow-oranges.livejournal.com]

Hi there! I don't really have any wisdom to proffer on the writing score. Sorry.

On the Twitter thing...I do appreciate that Twitter updates LJ but my problem with reading other people's tweets is that I feel like I'm only hearing half the conversation-- "@soandso" etc. I haven't been on Twitter very long so I'm probably missing something obvious, but what I really wanted to say is that yay, vix posted in LJ! ;)

[vixalicious]

Nah, that is the annoying part of twitter... there is a link you can click on to follow, but it takes so long to parse the whole conversation it's usually not worth it. I wish the service I use to post here would include anything that's an @reply so it would at least make sense here.

[dalehead.livejournal.com]

My feeling is you're not ready yet, to write your novel I mean. When you are, you won't need a free programme or any accoutrements, you will sit down and you'll write and whether you write one page, one chapter of one thousand words, it won't matter. There's nothing to be scared of sweetie, you're not ready and that's fine.

*hugs*

[vixalicious]

I actually think it's okay to be scared of stuff sometimes. I'm hoping that acknowledging the fear will help me overcome it. You are right about me not being ready to write yet, and I think that's part of my frustration is that I want to do the writing, but I know if I do that first, I could mess it all up - I have to do the non-fun research parts (that always turn out to actually be fun, I just always think they won't) first.

*hugs*

[purple-hazed.livejournal.com]

I understood every word!!

Is maybe writing a whole novel far more daunting than short stories?

I used to love your Eddie fanfic!

I've got software called Write Your own Novel which is for working on my first naNo attempt. It's quite good, basically a database that stores character and plot info. So if Sophie is allergic to seafood in chapter 2, she is not at a seafood restaurant in chap 22!!!

[vixalicious]

Thanks! I've never quite made it to novel length, so I'm not sure I can say for sure. I think it is now, but maybe once I do it it won't seem so daunting. The software I have sounds very similar to that.

[(Anonymous)]

My "novel" is just a hobby, can't see it being finished for a long time.

I like your short stories so I can see you writing a novel, but you are probably a bit scared??

[zillah975]

Three things:

1. I've recently started using yWriter5 and I'm finding it really helpful in keeping me organized and motivated:

http://www.spacejock.com/yWriter5.html

It does exactly what I need it to without a lot of bloated features I'll never use. It runs great on my big laptop and also my little HP mini netbook. It lets you organize a novel by chapter and scene (or write a story as one chapter of one scene), lets you keep track of who the POV character is, the locations, items, characters, lets you easily rearrange scenes, or take them out without losing them, so you can add them back later if you decide they work after all. It's quick to download and install and takes up very little room.

2. Self Editing for Fiction Writers is also really helpful to me. When I first saw it I assumed it was aimed at editing a finished manuscript, but it works really well as a writing aid, too.

3. I'm scared by the amount of research, the scope of the novel, the amount of work and disappointment that goes into trying to get published. What if I can't do it? What if I do it and it sucks? What if I do it and it doesn't suck?

*reels you in* One step at a time, sugar. You know, if you try to write it and can't, or if you write it and don't like it at the end, you might still get awesome stuff that will lead you to another story you want to tell, that you can write and love. And writing it will do you good, will help make you a better writer (and you're a damned good writer already). You'll learn a lot about writing, as well as whatever it is you're researching for it. And if you write it and it's good, that doesn't mean you have to try to get it published. The first step is just to write a scene. Maybe the first scene, but maybe not. And then write another scene, and another, and so on, and when you finish it then you can decide what you want to do with it.

I've signed up for SGA Big Bang again this year. If you want to start working on your novel for serious now, we can be writing buddies? Yes? Because I know just what you mean about the being scared, and the not finding time, and all that stuff. But it can be overcome! And you're a wonderful writer. :)

*hugs and loves and loves more*

[vixalicious]

Hi hon! Finally getting around to replying to comments on this post, it's been such a bad week. So much for thinking I'd have more time to be creative on the road!

1. That's actually the software I'd downloaded, from the link you put in your journal. I played with it more on the flight out here and I think I'm starting to get the hang of it a little more. The POV stuff is more than I need, but the rest may prove helpful.

2. I am so bad about reading stuff like that. It just doesn't pull me in, and I don't know - it's like self-help books to me: it's not that it's not useful, it's just 10 minutes of content in a 2 hour package. I just want someone to boil it down for me :) Hi, I'm lazy!

3. I do need to reel it in, but at the same time, I am trying to move toward publishing and making myself do something. Fanfiction has been a great learning ground, but I feel like it's time to try being a 'serious' writer. I dunno.

But yes, I am totally up for being writing buddies! My schedule is stupid crazy this weekend, but maybe we could chat early next week?

[shrinetolust.livejournal.com]

I hear ya, babe. On all of it. It is scary, and frustrating, and I find it hard to be focused and motivated and climb those hills of fear too. I think all writers do. You really have to try and focus on one thing at a time, because thinking of the whole project from beginning to end will overwhelm you and you'll never know where to start.

One thing that's helped me is having a big legal notepad for each one of my writing projects. On that legal notepad goes anything to do with the story--if I sit and think up character names, I jot them down. If I think of a cool line of dialogue, I write it down. Sometimes I just sit and write out a whole scene. Even though it's jumbled and random, it's really helped me, because it's *progress*. As I work on actual chapters, I go back to that notepad, pick up that line of dialogue, double check my planet names, type up the scene.

And sometimes just scrawling something in a notebook is less stressful than staring at that blank screen that seems to require some huge formal text.

Secondly, as much as I hate to say my high school and college professors were right, doing an outline or notecards can help. I need to do it for my big novel I keep poking at. I write a scene summary for each idea I have on a notecard. Then I put all those notecards in order, spread out on a big table. Then you see what you have, and where there are holes, and which characters need more scenes, etc. And then there's your outline to start writing.

You can do this right at the beginning, or after you've researched, written part of it, whatever. It works at any stage in the process.

Hope this helps! xoxoxo

[vixalicious]

Thanks for the advice! I have an outline, and oddly it's not the writing that I'm finding daunting, it's the details. One of my characters needs to be somewhat cooler than me, and I want to make sure I don't screw it up and I think that's stopping me from going forth. I'm going to try to make some lists of stuff that I think I need to know before I can set myself free to write, and then just look at them one at a time.

And the notebook thing I am going to try, at least to make a few timelines, which is another thing that's on my 'don't screw this up' list. I can't write free-hand any more though - I get so frustrated with how long it takes because I type about 3x faster than I write. The words get tangled up.